I hate not knowing. I am a curious person, not nosey, I just have a passion for knowledge. When it’s about me, I have to know. If I know it’s bad, I need to know. I become anxious and desperate. It eats up my confidence, pounds at my sanity, it is all I will think about, day and night. What did I do? Just look at how things have changed.
I once fucked over a guy I really liked, pretty bad. He wasn’t even angry. “I’m just disappointed”. I broke my own heart, I really hated myself. But I knew the wrong I had done, I knew where I had messed up. I didn’t know how to fix it, only that I shouldn’t give up just yet. And eventually, he was mine again, and I love him.
And I love you. But can you see how things have changed?
You and I have always been at each other’s throats. It has always been that way. When I look back at our friendship, it was the fighting that made us what we were. Us fighting about how this person was using me or that person was leading you on, when you thought I needed to stop being a slut and that I was adamant that you would, under no circumstances, be moving away. “I fight with you because I love you,” that’s how I knew you cared. It was how I knew I cared, but look at how things have changed.
Once when we weren’t speaking, you posted “I Miss You” by Frank Ocean to my timeline. You wrote about it on my birthday. It meant so much to me. I didn’t go back and listen to it, I hadn’t heard it for so long. When I read that post again, my eyes were stinging by the third paragraph, because I looked at how things had changed. Soon I was crying, by the last few sentences I was a wreck. It was emotional and painful and fascinating to feel that much emotion from seeing words. I listened to the song, I sang along and recited every annoying-bitch-in-the-audience’s two cents. It took me back. Two years ago, when you sent me that song, everything was alright because I missed you too. Four days ago, when I sent it to you… nothing. And everything is not alright. Because look at how things have changed.
I didn’t know you were serious. I wouldn’t have known why. I still don’t. You didn’t tell me but I didn’t ask. Was I supposed to ask? Was I supposed to know? What do I do now that I’ve made the smallest attempt to heal our friendship, in the way I thought I knew how, and failed? I feel sick and nervous and so angry at you and at me. But you, you have so easily pushed me away. “You’re not my best friend.” Did you really think it wasn’t you? Or is that just what you wanted? Was I too difficult? Annoying? Argumentative? Was the fighting not how you wanted us to show we cared? Was I not there to put you back together when you were falling apart? To love you after every mistake? Do you still love me after this one? Are you still ‘you’ without me? This hurts. I don’t know what to apologise for, I don’t know what to fight about.
I dare to say that I have been treated unfairly, left in the dark. I have no chance to say my piece because I have no knowledge of what this is. I hate not knowing what and why and I hate not knowing what you’re thinking. All I can think of is how everything has changed, that is actually all that I do know. And it’s weird, it’s frustrating and confusing. I miss you, like every single fucking day. I miss my best friend and it is shit. It’s always been my understanding that when you love someone, you fight about stuff, you get mad, you go through shit, but you never ever give up. Not even when they push you away, not even when they hurt you and hate you, you just don’t give up on them, even when they’ve given up on you. But, there is an extent. This time, for whatever reason, you’ve chosen not to fight. So, I have no option to fight back. That scares the hell out of me because I don’t know if that means it really is time to give up, I don’t know if that really means ‘The End’.